Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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