Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize