if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
