Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
