Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
