i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
