I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
