youre lurking in front of me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
