Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
