Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
