I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
