New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
