I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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