At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
