I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
