Michael Bay diarrhea
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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