if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
