I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
