i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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