My underwear smells like fireworks.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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