ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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