he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
