so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
