I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
