The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
