Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
