If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
