Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
