Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
