I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
