You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
