the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
