I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
