Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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