take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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