Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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