What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
