I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
