the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize