Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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