She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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