a queef is a wish your heart makes.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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