So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
