Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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