i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize