she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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