my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
