Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i believe in u and ur pee
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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