ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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