I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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