you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There are leaves in my underwear?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
