Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
