What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
