You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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