my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is Oprah even human
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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