those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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