if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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