I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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